What is a love map?
Gottman says it’s the part of your brain where you store
important information about your spouse. It’s like a mental notebook where you
write down unique traits of your spouse and things about him or her you want to
remember.
important information about your spouse. It’s like a mental notebook where you
write down unique traits of your spouse and things about him or her you want to
remember.
It includes your spouse’s dreams, goals, joys, fears, likes, dislikes,
frustrations, and worries. Things like your husband’s favorite breakfast cereal
or the name of your wife’s best friend are important “points” on the map.
Q: Why are love maps so important?
A: Because they strengthen marriages.
Couples with extensive love maps remember important dates and events, and they
stay aware of their partner’s changing needs. They constantly seek updates on
what the other person is doing, feeling, and thinking. Being known in this way
is a gift each partner gives the other, bringing great happiness and
satisfaction. It also makes couples better prepared to cope with stresses on
their marriage.
For example, in one study Gottman interviewed couples around the time of the
birth of their first child. For 67% of couples this stressful event was
accompanied by a significant drop in marital satisfaction. But the other 33% did
not see such a drop, and many felt their marriages had improved. The difference
was the completeness of the couples’ love maps. “The couples whose marriages
thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from the get-go. . . ,” says
Gottman. “These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic
upheaval.”
Couples who had established a habit of finding out about each other’s thoughts
and feelings were likely to continue doing so at a time of change. Their deep
knowledge about each other and their practice of staying in touch protected
their relationships from being thrown off course. They grew to love each other
more deeply because there was more about each other to love.
Examples:
Family: Which of my parents do I think I’m most like? Why?
Friends: Name two of my best friends and how I met them.
Work: How do I feel about my boss? What would I change about my job?
Hobbies: What are my three favorite things to do in my spare time?
Dreams: What is one of my unrealized dreams?
Favorites: What is my favorite dessert? TV show? Sports team?
Feelings: What makes me feel stressed? When do I feel confident?
Answer these questions about your spouse:
1. He/she’s sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
2. You’re out to eat, what kind of dressing does he/she get on his salad?
3. What’s one food he/she doesn’t like?
4. You go out to eat what kind of drink would he/she have?
5. Where did he/she go to high school?
6. What size shoe does he/she wear?
7. If he/she was to collect anything, what would it be?
8. What is his/her favorite type of sandwich?
9. What would this person eat every day if he/she could?
10. What is his favorite cereal?
11. What would s/he never wear?
12. What is his/her favorite sports team?
13. Who did he/she vote for? The one who actually had experience.
14. Who is his/her best friend?
15. What is something you do that he/she wishes you wouldn’t do?
16. What is his/her heritage?
17. You bake him/her a cake for his/her birthday.
18. Did he/she play sports in high school?
19. What could he/she spend hours doing?
I will add to this, that couples who can do an exercise such as the "Love Map" activity together without complaining most probably have a wonderful friendship. My goal is always to encourage a couple to be best friends above all else. This way you will want to share the "small stuff" with each other, and speak TOO each other as opposed to AT each other.
For a spouse that looks rather "stressed" when you tell them you want to do a "love map" excercise - tell them that it will only take 20 minutes and keep it to that amout of time. They will be more likely to do other relationship building activites with you again in the future!
Wishing you happiness & health,
Savannah Ellis
Founder & Coach
The Infidelity Recovery Institute
Connect With Me Now:
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