Are you living with a liar?

Is your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend a compulsive/pathological liar or a sociopath?

To begin with, it may help to understand the difference between a pathological or compulsive liar and a sociopath.

A Sociopath

A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others.  A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way).  Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others.  Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways 

Compulsive Liar

A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit.  Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions.  Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small.  For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right.  Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary.  For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship 

Ultimately, making this type of distinction may not be that useful.  Because in either case, the outcome is typically the same:  dealing with a compulsive or pathological liar is very difficult to do.  And unfortunately, sociopaths cannot be changed.

A compulsive liar will resort to telling lies, regardless of the situation.  Again, everyone lies from time to time, but for a compulsive liar, telling lies is routine.  It becomes a habit - a way of life.

Simply put, for a compulsive liar, lying becomes second nature.

Not only do compulsive liars bend the truth about issues large and small, they take comfort in it.  Lying feels right to a compulsive liar.  Telling the truth, on the other hand, is difficult and uncomfortable.

And like any behavior which provides comfort and an escape from discomfort (i.e., alcohol, drugs, sex), lying can become addictive and hard to stop.  For the compulsive liar, lying feels safe and this fuels the desire to lie even more.

Making matters even more complicated, compulsive lying is often a symptom of a much larger personality disorder, which only makes the problem more difficult to resolve, such as Narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. 

Unfortunately, compulsive lying is hard for the person involved to see, but it hurts those who are around it.  Compulsive lying, if not addressed, can easily ruin a relationship.

Compulsive lying can be dealt with through counseling or therapy.  But, like any addictive behavior (and/or personality disorder), getting someone to admit they have a problem with lying is the difficult part.  Sadly enough, getting someone to recognize that he or she has a problem usually requires hitting rock bottom first.

Savannah Ellis
DBA, MBA, BBSc, MPsych (Clin)