Not-So-Obvious Signs of a Cheating Spouse

Being an "infidelity coach" I am often asked about how one would know if there partner was cheating. So I thought I'd share my old post on this matter.

Now affairs are exciting because they are secret, naughty, and there is a chance they will get caught. But people get lazy and blasé over time...so there will be signs that give away the infidelity. Even if your partner works unusually hard to hide the fact that they are cheating, eventually they will make a mistake, and then you'll know the truth. But the trick is to recognize the signs when they present themselves. If you aren't looking, they may pass right by you - but more common is the fact that you will be in denial. When you spot a sign that your spouse is cheating, even if they give you an excuse that makes sense, you might want to think twice before accepting it and open your eyes a little wider.

1) If your spouse's appearance changes suddenly or drastically, you might want to consider the cause.

....especially if there is defensiveness about the changes

If a recent visit to the doctor made a convincing argument for exercise, that's one thing. But suddenly taking up weight lifting may be cause for concern, and may indicate something more sinister than a simple mid-life crisis, especially if your partner doesn't involve you. You should be able to tell whether your partner's behaviors stem from a desire to get fit, to improve him/herself, or to stem the tide of aging. These are all natural reasons that your spouse might make a change. If, on the other hand, your spouse is very vague about his/her desire to change his/her appearance, won't respond to your compliments or encouragements, or won't involve you in any way, you may have cause to be suspicious.

2) A trend toward listening to an entirely new type of music or sudden interest in new types of movies might be signs of a "crush" or romantic infatuation.

....especially if they are not sharing their new interest with you

If this new interest was innocent and genuine, then your spouse would be able to tell you where they learned about it, why they're so interested in it, and, most of all, your spouse would want to share it with you. If, on the other hand, these were new interests introduced by a person that they're considering having an affair with - or are already having an affair with - then your spouse won't want to share them and will feel defensive when you ask them what this new interest is all about.

3) When you come into your partner's place of work, things aren't the same.

....Tip: take a cup of coffee into the person who used to be friendly to you. They may feel the need to tell you something

Maybe people treat you differently, particularly people who used to be warm and friendly to you. This may come off as a feeling of empathy or pity. The likely cause is simply that they know something that you don't know. Often, particularly in the case of unfaithful men, they are eager to talk about their affairs with everyone but their wives. This often includes co-workers. Also be aware that the affair may be taking place with someone in the office, perhaps even that person who used to be so nice to you when you stopped in to say hello.

4) If there is an increased amount of time spent on the computer

.....this can be indicative of an additional workload, but it may also be reason to suspect a cyber-affair, or even an affair arranged over the internet. If this increase in time spent online occurs while you are sleeping, consider investigating the matter further - it's more than a little suspicious.

5) Relating to computer use, if your spouse begins to delete emails as they arrive, or delete numbers from the caller ID, particularly when this is new behavior, you may need to consider the implications. Your spouse could easily be deleting the emails from and numbers of, someone he or she is cheating on you with.

6) A sudden change in the type or quality of underwear being worn by your spouse may indicate that someone other than you is admiring their underwear. This will present itself innocently enough, and may even be passed off as something for your benefit, but if you're suspicious, statistics show that you're probably right.

Savannah Ellis
DBA, MBA, BBSc, MPsych (Clin)
A Better Life Counseling Center
1070 W. Horizon Ridge, Suite 200
Henderson, Nevada, 89012

415-877-4004

www.infidelitycoach.net

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