Should I tell my spouse about my affair even if they may never find out?

 Question: 

"Should I tell my spouse about my affair even if they may never find out?"

Answer: 

You may not like my answer to this question, but please read all of it before checking out...

 Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine who is a brilliant NYC General Surgeon. We often banter about various relationship topics, of course most of them relate to my favorite subject matter...infidelity. He asked me, "would you recommend a client tell their spouse that they had an affair, even at the risk of ruining their marriage?" He also stated that he considers it to be selfish on the part of the unfaithful partner, to confess of their infidelity just to make themselves feel better. "Why should the unfaithful partner feel better now that they have off loaded their guilt, leaving the faithful partner with the pain of working through their emotions? The unfaithful partner needs to keep it to themselves and vow never to do it again, and spend the time focusing on improving the relationship."

My response......."hmmmmm".

While single statements sound reasonable, their is no cookie cutter response when it comes to infidelity. So I'm going to start out by saying, if you are not sure what to do, see a coach to assist you in the decision making process.

If you want to have a healthy marriage, the answer to that question is almost always yes. Although keeping the secret may allow you to escape immediate conflict or consequences, the long-term cost is not worth it. 

Choosing not to tell is almost always an act of self-protection. You don't want to face the feared consequences. But in doing so you are making a decision for your spouse instead of allowing him/her to make the choice for themselves. In reality, what your spouse wants is less important to you than what you want. That kind of thinking probably contributed to your affair behavior in the first place.

Is there a risk in telling? Yes. While most spouses, after dealing with the initial pain of discovery, will want to work on restoring their marriage, it is possible that a betrayed spouse will choose separation or divorce. But they have the right to make the choice of staying or leaving based on the whole truth. If not, any forgiveness or trust offered to you is inherently incomplete. And even if your confession results in your spouse choosing to leave, your honesty is still a very important step toward becoming a healthier person.

Let me be very clear about this: truth-telling is a painful process. Your spouse will likely have a strong reaction to what she/he hears. The alternative, in my opinion, is to pay a possibly even greater price down the road instead of dealing with the issues right now. 

What most clients (especially men) fail to understand is that your spouse is actually more concerned about TRUST than about specific details of the affair, even though she/he is probably asking about details. They want to protect their spouses by not revealing painful information, but withholding that information actually does more damage because it hinders openness & trust. The process of getting through this and moving toward real forgiveness and trust is sometimes a bit messy, but the benefits make it worthwhile.

Telling the whole truth has these benefits...

• Your spouse becomes more assured of your honesty because you are telling things you haven't been "caught" in... things that may not otherwise be known. These become evidences of your honesty & your willingness to relinquish control (which is affair behavior).
• It provides the opportunity for true forgiveness to take place. If your spouse only knows part of the story, then he/she can only forgive that part, and you will only receive forgiveness for that part. Your spouse has the right to forgive, or not forgive, everything.
• Nothing remains that has to be kept hidden from this point on. Secrets require emotional energy (even when you try to forget them). Secrets sabotage intimacy. Total honesty provides a freedom that you can't get any other way.  
• You eliminate the risk of secrets being revealed in the future. I can't tell you how many times a client has made the choice not to confess parts of their story only to have that choice backfire on them in the future. They convince themselves that the whole truth would only cause more hurt and anger; why confess something that nobody will ever know about? But in many, many cases, those hidden parts of the story are eventually uncovered. When that happens, any repairs to trust will likely be undone and the damage to your marriage may be even more severe. 
• You become less likely to have another affair. Keeping secrets is affair behavior. If you rationalize your secrets now, it will be easier for you to rationalize more secrets in the future. A marriage rebuilt on a foundation of truthfulness will be less vulnerable to affairs.

Reasons you might NOT tell the truth:

1. The truth would put your spouse at risk.
If telling about the affair would create a dangerous situation (as in cases where there is a history of abuse, violence, attempted suicide, or other significant mental health issues), you should work with a qualified counselor to help you determine what choices should be made. 

2. Knowing the truth will result in greater consequences for your spouse.
I hesitate even writing this, because I know that most people involved in affairs look for any justification to not tell the truth. So let me say it clearly again: Telling the truth about your cheating is almost always the best choice, even though it probably doesn't seem like it to you. Dark secrets are the enemy of intimacy, so you have to understand that choosing not to tell means that you will never receive your spouse's forgiveness and will have to keep something hidden for the rest of your life. You need to carefully weigh the cost of not telling.

But I do know the tremendous pain this brings to a spouse and so I cannot be authoritative in this matter. If you are considering keeping your affair a secret in order to protect your wife/husband, then I hope you will consider these things before making your decision:

• You should seek counsel. Talk to someone who has a good understanding of healthy relationships. Good counsel encourages wise choices.
• You have to be honest about your motives. If this has more to do with protecting yourself, then you're making a selfish choice. This has to be about doing something that is good for your spouse, not you.
• You must be willing to stop your affair behavior. If not telling is simply a choice that gives you freedom to cheat again, then it's a bad choice. You have to be willing to get whatever help you need to make healthy changes.
• Your spouse must not be already accusing or suspecting. If they are already suspicious and have been asking questions, then you need to be honest. The choice of not telling should only be considered if your spouse is completely unaware of your affair behaviors (past and present).
• You must be certain that your affair will not be revealed. I can't tell you how many times I've worked with clients who were SURE their spouse would never find out certain things, only to be surprised when these things are eventually revealed by unknown witnesses, missed evidences, the affair partner, or even their own conscience. Your lack of honesty now will be compounded if the truth is revealed in the future. If you have any doubt, deal with the backlash now, not later.

Writing a Secret Confession

If you do decide not to tell, I would strongly encourage you to write out a full and complete confession of your affair along with the reasons why you are choosing not to tell your spouse. This letter should clearly communicate your regret and sorrow along with your commitment to your marriage. Try to imagine your spouse finding out about your affair and think about what he/she would need to hear from you. Take your time in writing it, but once it is done, seal it in an envelope and take it to someone (someone who would not be likely to lie for you; not a close friend) who will hold your confidence. A pastor or counselor would be a good choice. Ask that person to sign and date the envelope across the sealed flap and then keep it in your confidential records with clear instructions to never release it unless you ask for it someday. If the truth ever comes out, this letter may be helpful in explaining why you decided to keep your secret.

Wishing you health & happiness,

Savannah Ellis

www.infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com

Saving the fabric of society, one relationship at a time

Connect With Me Now:
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On Twitter: http://twitter.com/infidelityguru

Phases in Dealing & Healing from Affair-Crisis

It is important to note that not all affairs or discovery of affairs lead to marital crisis. Married couples in many cultures in the past or present have accepted, tolerated or even incorporated affairs and multiple relationships into the marriage via open conversations or via don't ask, don't tell unspoken agreement.

Phase 1: Discovery and Crisis:
When a secretive extramarital affair comes to light, it sometimes launches a marital crisis. In response to discovery, the betrayed partner often feels a sense of violation, despair, rage, anger, fear, distrust, depression, jealousy, or may feel relief and validation. The involved spouse’s feelings may include shame, remorse, exposure, fear, anger, rage or violence.

People must realize at this phase that:
a. Many of these feeling are normal
b. They will not last forever
c. This is not the time to make major martial decisions.

Phase 2: Initial Dealings with the Affair:
After the exposure of the affair following the discovery or initial confrontation has passed, it is time for the couple to gain perspective and to become more reflective. This is a phase thatmay involve a lot of blame between the couple, as unresolved hurts come to the surface. Unless the couple comes to terms with the affair and is ready to incorporate it into the marriage, the involved spouse may need to:
a. Cut off all contact with the lover
b. Make a commitment to future honesty and marital integrity,
c. Offer a sincere apology,
d. Apologize repeatedly,
e. Honestly answer legitimate 
f. Be willing to take AIDS or other STD tests.

At this stage the couple tries to understand the individual and couple dynamics that fueled the
affair and starts moving away from despair and blame to a realization that the marriage can survive the affair.

Phase 3: Beginning Again: Building a Stronger Post-Affair Marriage:
This stage is about coming to an agreement about the structure of the marriage and about rebuilding the relationship and basing themarriage on mature love, not romantic love. Unlike the falling in love stage, mature love is based on realistic expectations, responsibility, accepting oneself and the other’s strengths and weaknesses, knowledge and care of each other and being able to resolve conflicts.

Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves, acceptance, letting go of resentment and being able to forgive. And yes....it is easier said than done. Hang in there because it is worth it in the long run.

The infidelity recovery program is available to take you through a 7 Step Infidelity Recovery Process. Go to www.infidelitycoaches.com to find an Infidelity Recovery Coach near you.

Understand each others emotional needs

On this weeks relationship vitamin...I spoke of step 3 in affair recovery:

MEETING EACH OTHERS EMOTIONAL NEEDS

To here me ramble on :) go to http://youtu.be/5YPNT5fbkT0


What is an emotional need? It is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration.

Everyone is unique. While men on average pick a particular set of five emotional needs as their most important and women on average pick another set of five, any given man or woman can and do pick various combinations of the ten. So even though I know the most important emotional needs of the average man and woman, I don't know the emotional needs of any particular husband or wife.

The Infidelity Coach says these are the top Emotional Needs needs of her clients:

 Affection
 Sexual
 Conversation
 Recreational Companionship
 Honesty and Openness
 Physical Attractiveness
 Respect
 Domestic Support
 Encouragement
 Admiration

So what is your homework tonight?

Firstly, both you and your partner need to take the time and effort to take ACTION.
Then, with each of these needs - rank from 1 (not important) to 5 (extremely important)

how important is this need to you
how does your partner go in meeting this need
then list your top 5 needs in order
compare and discuss
Create a plan of what you are going to change to make each other happier
That's EASY right!

Catch me on Youtube each Friday with a new Relationship Vitamin.

This is YOUR time!

Savannah


To find out more, go to: www.infidelitycoach.net

To become a coach go to: www.infidelitycoaches.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/infidelitycoach

Should You Set Up a Honey Trap?

Do you ever wonder if your spouse is unfaithful? Increasingly, people who suspect their partners of infidelity are utilizing a technique long known to be successful by private investigators, police departments, and even the FBI. If your goal is to know if your spouse has a tendency toward infidelity, you might want to try a honey trap.

What is a honey trap? Simply, a honey trap (sometimes called a honey pot trap) is a kind of "sting operation" in which a person hired by you approaches your spouse and attempts to seduce him. Your agent is usually an attractive woman, particularly one of a type that you know will appeal to your husband. This person approaches your spouse at time of increased opportunity and lowered inhibition - at a bar or even on a business trip, when your partner might feel more able to get away with cheating. Your agent then attempts to seduce your spouse, luring him into physical contact or a verbal affirmation of his intentions. A honey trap proves intent, but not infidelity.

So why is a honey trap the "nuclear option" for catching your spouse in acts of infidelity? Well, simply because the decision to undertake the setup of a honey trap is a very, very serious one that could lead to the truth - but the truth could also lead to disaster. The decision to organize a honey trap should not be taken lightly, and the consequences and repercussions should be weighed against your need to know.

The first thing to remember is that a honey trap will not tell you if your partner is cheating on you. A honey trap will only demonstrate your partner's willingness to cheat. For some this may be enough, for others, it may only create more uncertainty. Particularly difficult is the potential for a reasonable defense on the part of your partner after being caught in the trap - namely that it was an unrealistic situation that he would never have been put in had it not been invented by you. You will also be confronted with a very difficult decision: is knowing that your partner is willing to cheat as serious as actual physical infidelity? If the answer is yes, then a honey trap will serve your needs. If not, or if you're unsure, then maybe you should think twice about entrapping your spouse in this way.

There are a few ways to go about "building" a honey trap. The easiest way is probably to hire a detective agency that specializes in entrapment of this kind, but whether you hire an agency or do it yourself, you will need to consider a few things.

What type of person is your spouse attracted to? It is definitely not true that any attractive girl will do. Even if your spouse has a predisposition to cheat, it may be difficult to convince him to. Think about everything from hair color preference to personality. Remember that you are trying to create a fantasy. You will also need to create an opportunity. You may want to hire someone to follow him on an overnight business trip, or, if possible, leave town yourself. He will be much more likely to cheat if he has the extra freedom of being away from you.

If your spouse falls into the honey trap, then you will have a piece of knowledge that you will probably have to act on. If he doesn't, and the honey trap only yields good news, then you never have to tell him. But be aware that if he ever finds out that you schemed to entrap him this way, there will be huge repercussions, and the relationship might end no matter what the result of the trap was.

Be extraordinarily cautious when testing your spouse like this. Be aware that if you ask a question, you'll get an answer - even if it isn't the answer you want.

Jessica London

The Infidelity Recovery Institute
www.infidelitycoaches.com
www.facebook.com/infidelitycoach

Not-So-Obvious Signs of a Cheating Spouse

Being an "infidelity coach" I am often asked about how one would know if there partner was cheating. So I thought I'd share my old post on this matter.

Now affairs are exciting because they are secret, naughty, and there is a chance they will get caught. But people get lazy and blasé over time...so there will be signs that give away the infidelity. Even if your partner works unusually hard to hide the fact that they are cheating, eventually they will make a mistake, and then you'll know the truth. But the trick is to recognize the signs when they present themselves. If you aren't looking, they may pass right by you - but more common is the fact that you will be in denial. When you spot a sign that your spouse is cheating, even if they give you an excuse that makes sense, you might want to think twice before accepting it and open your eyes a little wider.

1) If your spouse's appearance changes suddenly or drastically, you might want to consider the cause.

....especially if there is defensiveness about the changes

If a recent visit to the doctor made a convincing argument for exercise, that's one thing. But suddenly taking up weight lifting may be cause for concern, and may indicate something more sinister than a simple mid-life crisis, especially if your partner doesn't involve you. You should be able to tell whether your partner's behaviors stem from a desire to get fit, to improve him/herself, or to stem the tide of aging. These are all natural reasons that your spouse might make a change. If, on the other hand, your spouse is very vague about his/her desire to change his/her appearance, won't respond to your compliments or encouragements, or won't involve you in any way, you may have cause to be suspicious.

2) A trend toward listening to an entirely new type of music or sudden interest in new types of movies might be signs of a "crush" or romantic infatuation.

....especially if they are not sharing their new interest with you

If this new interest was innocent and genuine, then your spouse would be able to tell you where they learned about it, why they're so interested in it, and, most of all, your spouse would want to share it with you. If, on the other hand, these were new interests introduced by a person that they're considering having an affair with - or are already having an affair with - then your spouse won't want to share them and will feel defensive when you ask them what this new interest is all about.

3) When you come into your partner's place of work, things aren't the same.

....Tip: take a cup of coffee into the person who used to be friendly to you. They may feel the need to tell you something

Maybe people treat you differently, particularly people who used to be warm and friendly to you. This may come off as a feeling of empathy or pity. The likely cause is simply that they know something that you don't know. Often, particularly in the case of unfaithful men, they are eager to talk about their affairs with everyone but their wives. This often includes co-workers. Also be aware that the affair may be taking place with someone in the office, perhaps even that person who used to be so nice to you when you stopped in to say hello.

4) If there is an increased amount of time spent on the computer

.....this can be indicative of an additional workload, but it may also be reason to suspect a cyber-affair, or even an affair arranged over the internet. If this increase in time spent online occurs while you are sleeping, consider investigating the matter further - it's more than a little suspicious.

5) Relating to computer use, if your spouse begins to delete emails as they arrive, or delete numbers from the caller ID, particularly when this is new behavior, you may need to consider the implications. Your spouse could easily be deleting the emails from and numbers of, someone he or she is cheating on you with.

6) A sudden change in the type or quality of underwear being worn by your spouse may indicate that someone other than you is admiring their underwear. This will present itself innocently enough, and may even be passed off as something for your benefit, but if you're suspicious, statistics show that you're probably right.

Savannah Ellis
DBA, MBA, BBSc, MPsych (Clin)
A Better Life Counseling Center
1070 W. Horizon Ridge, Suite 200
Henderson, Nevada, 89012

415-877-4004

www.infidelitycoach.net

https://www.facebook.com/InfidelityCoach
https://twitter.com/infidelityguru

A romantic note can give you some love credits towards forgiveness

Tip of the day... When you know you could break relationship tension with a small thoughtful gesture or romantic note.... Just do it ! Forgiveness is also about allowing someone to show you love again.... And accepting it

Here is heart melter to send to your loved one.... And have a wonderful weekend. Savannah

A girl asked a boy if she was pretty, he said "No". She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever, he said "No". Then she asked him if he would cry if she walked away, he said "No". She had heard enough; she needed to leave.

As she walked away he grabbed her arm and told her to stay. He said "You're not pretty, you're beautiful. I don`t want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."

Love from
Savannah Ellis

The Infidelity Recovery Coach

www.infidelitycoach.net

How much should you tell the kids when Mum or Dad had an affair?

Parents frequently ask what is and is not appropriate to tell their children. My view is that “less is more”. The less you tell them, the more they are prevented from undo stress. It is best not to give them the adult details about the reasons for the divorce. This potentially places children in an untenable position of being a parent’s peer or confidante and might make them feel as if they need to side with one parent against the other parent. It is best to give them an age appropriate, general explanation, which can then be expanded upon over time.

Children MUST know they have the love and security from BOTH parents. If you are a parent in this situation, do not talk poorly about the child's other parent to them directly OR within earshot of the child.

YOU ARE damaging your child. Please realize that your child wants a happy and positive family environment. Your child is NOT your friend. Let children be children, and have as few concerns as possible.

Like always , my views are harsh, but I see too many children and adults having broken relationships because of this issue. Nobody benefits.
 
Savannah Ellis
DBA, MBA, BBSc, MPsych (Clin)
A Better Life Counseling Center
1070 W. Horizon Ridge, Suite 200
Henderson, Nevada, 89012

415-877-4004

https://www.facebook.com/InfidelityCoach
https://twitter.com/infidelityguru
http://http://www.youtube.com/user/RelationshipSociety