Italian readers I need your help! Are 95% of Italian men cheaters?

How could this possibly be true? NINTY-FIVE PERCENT of the Italian male population cheats? I was astounded. The Italian guys sharing this statistic were also astounded… astounded that I actually thought the rate was not that high in the U.S. “No, it’s the same everywhere,” they would say, “You just don't know about it.”

In many ways, Italian men are in NO WAYS like men from the U.S or my home town, Sydney Australia. For instance, even with a casual hook up Italian men will treat the women like they are seriously dating. They will “make love” to them, spouting lines and making moves that rival the best movie scenes ever filmed. They will ask them to sleep over, to snuggle all night, to walk the dog with them in the morning, and they’ll spend the entire next day with them. When you hair is ragged and your makeup is a memory of what it was the night before an Italian man will make you feel like you are the most beautiful woman in the world. But what you have to remember is they will do the exact same thing with the next random girl they hook up with the very next night. Italian men believe in “taking care” of their women; even the hookups or the ones on the side.

So when the question of "why?" was asked to Italian men:

• It’s just what we do. It’s expected of Italian men.

• It keeps us interested in sex with our own partners.

• It keeps things fresh because you’re not having the same old sex all the time. (Same as before just said a little differently)

• As long as we are treating our wives and families properly (and they dont know about it) where’s the harm?

• If we had kids I would stop cheating for a while until they grew up.

• My wife and I are only staying together for the children. Don’t I deserve to have some happiness in my life?

The thing is I believe these guys actually believe this stuff. And maybe it’s because of the different culture here, but these reasons are starting to make sense to me too.

So where do these men have these affairs?

According to the research, three fifths of affairs start in the office, with most trysts taking place between 2pm and 3pm as people sneak off during their lunch breaks, reports the Telegraph.


In around half of cases, cheating partners are found out through indiscreet mobile phone text messages, emails betray one in five and a further one in 10 are given away by anonymous letters, according to the survey by the Italian Association for Family Lawyers.

Seven in 10 affairs are one-off flings, with the rest more long-term relationships.

Gleeden.com, which describes itself as "the premier international dating website for married people," has 90,000 Italians signed up to it.

Infidelity is most prevalent in Milan, with Rome a close second.

Until 1981, Italian law recognized the principle of honor killings, with courts entitled to hand out more lenient sentences to men convicted of murdering their cheating wives.

Nowadays, around half of cases of infidelity are tolerated by long-suffering partners, the survey found.

My wife had an affair and I want to know the recovery timeline?

Question: 

"I just found out my wife had an affair. Can you give me an idea of what we are going to go through?"

 

Answer: 

By the sounds of that question, I am guessing that you have already made the decision to save your marriage. If that is the case then this answer below will be the general timeline that you and your partner will follow. I have provided some tips on courses and readings you will need to do along the way.

As any of my clients will know, I always provide confronting yet realistic advice to prepare you for the journey  e.g. "This is what is going to happen next, and when that happens, this is what you will need to do.......". My tip for you (based on this question alone) is do not think your current thoughts of saving your marriage will stay with you through this journey. 

Men especially, struggle with certain aspects of forgiveness. The idea, visually, of their wife in bed with another man, can be a tipping point of no recovery. You will need a strategy or plan to get you through this time (if you are planning to do the recovery by yourselves). 

Nobody will think less of you for seeking out help. An Infidelity Recovery Coach is trained in affair recovery and guiding you through the recovery process. If you are struggling at any stage, please make an appointment immediately.

The steps of progression are not universal or the same for everyone. To a large degree they depend on the work you are or aren’t doing. This is why it is so critical to reach out and get good help.

That said there are general principles that can be applied, as long as we don’t get dogmatic or legalistic about it and allow for the uniqueness of each situation.
While affair recovery experts generally agree it takes a minimum of two years to heal from an affair, we have found some couples have healed their marriages in as little as a year.

What people come to realize, it is not actually the affair itself that is the most difficult to heal from, not for a moment diminishing how difficult it is to heal from an affair, but in the final end its all the damage couples do to each other after disclosure that causes the greatest damage.
Therefore the sooner a couple or person reaches out and gets good help and guidance to go through the process, they can minimize after disclosure pain and heal much quicker. 

Why make this journey any harder than it already is?!!
TIMELINE
The healing starts on the day of disclosure – the day the secret ends. It doesn’t matter if the actual affair was 20+ years ago. (Actually that’s always worse because now we have to also deal with “why did you lie to me for 20 years?”)

Day 1 – 3 months Trauma Stage:

A period of numbness, shock, and overwhelming grief. Some may call it the melt down period. You are in crisis. Both the hurt spouse and the offending spouse are unable to think clearly.

It’s important not to make any big decisions during this time, while you are in the emotional trauma of the moment, because these will likely be decisions you will regret later. Neither is it smart to think that you can solve every thing and heal the marriage while you are in this heightened emotional state.
The first thing you need to think of is stabilizing yourself. Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Take care of yourself.
If you stabilize yourself and have some guidance, you can begin to do some work towards healing as a couple, but it’s a good idea to put some distance between you and the initial emotions.
You are likely to experience a myriad of ups and downs. You’ll go from vigilance to save the marriage, to struggling with thoughts of anger, hatred and revenge, to just wanting to give up and cry alone in a dark room. You may experience all of this or only one side of it.
Don't underestimate the physical impact of this experience. It's common to experience weight loss, loss of sleep, and general weakness. Be sure to get some nutrition in your body and some exercise.

If you are the betrayed spouse, do not blame yourself. THE AFFAIR IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn’t deserve for this to happen to you.

If the marriage is to be healed, the person who had the affair must break off their affair completely, and they should do it in a way that is agreeable to their spouse. It is their business!!!

3 – 6 months: Beginning to work on the issues:

You may be ready to begin to deal with the core issues that led to the affair. The betrayed spouse is still trying to adjust to this new reality emotionally. The first 6 months are usually dominated by the emotions, and it's only as the strength of the emotions subside that you will able to begin a more "rational" focus towards genuine healing. 

There can be a lot of fighting. We recommend attending a workshop or seminar that includes strong communication techniques. 

Even if you go into this process with good communication skills, healing from an affair is going to tax your skills to the maximum. If you didn’t have good communication skills beforehand, you are definitely going to need some help.

6 months – 1 year: Facing the issues:

If you have allowed yourself to grieve, if you have moved through the denial. If you have allowed yourself to have some anger and some sadness, you are now ready to begin the real work of healing yourself and/or your marriage and dealing with core issues. 

There will be ups and downs. It’s a roller coaster. Don’t be discouraged by days when you feel like quitting. This is normal. Reach out for help and support. Work on thinking and seeing things clearly in truth, rather than believing the “untrue” thoughts that always lead to the feelings of despair and hopelessness. 

Stay away from people who try and tell you what to do. It’s important to make your own decisions. Get as much perspective as you can through books, counseling or coaching and seminars and then you decide what’s right for you.

1 year Shaking sadness –seeking to understand:

If you’ve had good help and done the work, you will be in a much better place. With the right help you may even be healed. Most likely there will still be painful days. Things won’t be back to normal. Trust has not been restored 100%, but overall you may be functioning quite well in life again and able to resume normal work & responsibilities.

2 years:

Experts generally agree this is a minimum time period for a couple to be completely healed. It can take much longer. Couples who are not able to be together enough, for example when a spouse’s work involves extensive travel will not be healed yet. Their journey is slowed in proportion to the amount of time they spend together. Couples who choose a separation route for a period of time will also need more time to heal. 

In the end, it doesn’t matter how long it takes, as long as you are continually moving forward and do heal and reclaim happiness for the future.

Questions to ask yourself:

1. What have you discovered about why the affair happened?

2. What changes have they made in your relationship?

3. What is being done differently now to ensure that it doesn’t happen again?

4. What have you learned through this experience?

5. What personal changes/growth has there been in your life as a result of this healing journey?

6. What friends are you (and your spouse) hanging out with? (Each spouse needs same sex friendships – that support the marriage.)

Find a coach in your local area to help you CLICK HERE

Divorce a Cheating Wife and Move On?

Question: 

"I busted my ass working for my wife the last 14 years. Should I just divorce her and move on?"

 

Answer:

When it comes to divorce, cheating wife issues are far too often the cause. Many husbands file for divorce as soon as they find out that their wives have cheated on them, even if the situation occurred years ago. 

The pain of infidelity is felt no matter how many years ago it occurred. Men can be proud, and being cheated on hurts their pride, possibly to a degree that renders the marriage unsavable. Traditionally, men are raised to provide for their family, and to protect their wife and family from harm. A man is proud of his wife and defends her honor. So the emotions are different for a man coping with betrayal.

Making the decision to divorce a cheating wife is never easy to do, but it may be the best thing to do for your and your family’s emotional well-being - short term that is! Long term is a different story. Will you feel regret that you made the decision to bust up your family too soon? Could you have moved past this issue? What is your family history with problem solving and forgiveness? What is yours?

DO NOT make a decision to divorce when you are in an emotional state. If you think you are not in an emotional state, you are kidding yourself! Of course you are! And you should be. 

Just know that you DID NOT DESERVE TO BE CHEATED ON.

What Happens When You Decide to Divorce a Cheating Wife?

The front page of our Las Vegas Infidelity Coaching Clinic has the divorce statistics by state, the cost of divorce in that state, and if the state is an "at fault" state - go to www.infidelitycoach.net

When a husband files for divorce, a cheating wife named in the paperwork may not admit to her infidelity. She may even disagree with the dissolution of the marriage, resulting in a contested divorce. The husband may attempt to deal with this situation on his own or may turn to a local divorce attorney for contested divorce help. Legal representation is recommended because it usually reduces the stress and frustration of the divorce process. Having a divorce advocate on your side can also help deliver results faster so that you do not have to drag on the painful process any longer than is necessary.

It is not easy to prove infidelity in a divorce case. The husband must obtain proof that his wife cheated during the marriage and this may require searching email, Internet, and telephone records. An attorney will recommend the type of evidence admissible in court and the way it should be gathered. Husbands must be careful not to overstep the law when gathering this proof. And in most cases, a divorce attorney will recommend that the husband of a cheating wife put the infidelity in the past and recommend divorcing on no-fault grounds, as proving the infidelity of your spouse is no easy task and only helps decide issues like child custody and division of property in rare instances.

The first 90 days are ALWAYS the hardest. You are running on pure emotion. Even if you want to save your family, you can't help to think "how can I trust her with my heart again."

All I ask is that if the wife has not separated from the "lover" either emotionally or physically, DO NOT have any form of reconciliation as it will be futile. The best decision in this circumstance is to remove away from each other so there is less risk of violence. The last thing you need is to attack either her or the "lover" and you will be the one both betrayed and in jail.

We are here if you need advice,

Savannah

Founder & Coach
The Infidelity Recovery Institute

Should You Set Up a Honey Trap?

Do you ever wonder if your spouse is unfaithful? Increasingly, people who suspect their partners of infidelity are utilizing a technique long known to be successful by private investigators, police departments, and even the FBI. If your goal is to know if your spouse has a tendency toward infidelity, you might want to try a honey trap.

What is a honey trap? Simply, a honey trap (sometimes called a honey pot trap) is a kind of "sting operation" in which a person hired by you approaches your spouse and attempts to seduce him. Your agent is usually an attractive woman, particularly one of a type that you know will appeal to your husband. This person approaches your spouse at time of increased opportunity and lowered inhibition - at a bar or even on a business trip, when your partner might feel more able to get away with cheating. Your agent then attempts to seduce your spouse, luring him into physical contact or a verbal affirmation of his intentions. A honey trap proves intent, but not infidelity.

So why is a honey trap the "nuclear option" for catching your spouse in acts of infidelity? Well, simply because the decision to undertake the setup of a honey trap is a very, very serious one that could lead to the truth - but the truth could also lead to disaster. The decision to organize a honey trap should not be taken lightly, and the consequences and repercussions should be weighed against your need to know.

The first thing to remember is that a honey trap will not tell you if your partner is cheating on you. A honey trap will only demonstrate your partner's willingness to cheat. For some this may be enough, for others, it may only create more uncertainty. Particularly difficult is the potential for a reasonable defense on the part of your partner after being caught in the trap - namely that it was an unrealistic situation that he would never have been put in had it not been invented by you. You will also be confronted with a very difficult decision: is knowing that your partner is willing to cheat as serious as actual physical infidelity? If the answer is yes, then a honey trap will serve your needs. If not, or if you're unsure, then maybe you should think twice about entrapping your spouse in this way.

There are a few ways to go about "building" a honey trap. The easiest way is probably to hire a detective agency that specializes in entrapment of this kind, but whether you hire an agency or do it yourself, you will need to consider a few things.

What type of person is your spouse attracted to? It is definitely not true that any attractive girl will do. Even if your spouse has a predisposition to cheat, it may be difficult to convince him to. Think about everything from hair color preference to personality. Remember that you are trying to create a fantasy. You will also need to create an opportunity. You may want to hire someone to follow him on an overnight business trip, or, if possible, leave town yourself. He will be much more likely to cheat if he has the extra freedom of being away from you.

If your spouse falls into the honey trap, then you will have a piece of knowledge that you will probably have to act on. If he doesn't, and the honey trap only yields good news, then you never have to tell him. But be aware that if he ever finds out that you schemed to entrap him this way, there will be huge repercussions, and the relationship might end no matter what the result of the trap was.

Be extraordinarily cautious when testing your spouse like this. Be aware that if you ask a question, you'll get an answer - even if it isn't the answer you want.

Jessica London

The Infidelity Recovery Institute
www.infidelitycoaches.com
www.facebook.com/infidelitycoach

A romantic note can give you some love credits towards forgiveness

Tip of the day... When you know you could break relationship tension with a small thoughtful gesture or romantic note.... Just do it ! Forgiveness is also about allowing someone to show you love again.... And accepting it

Here is heart melter to send to your loved one.... And have a wonderful weekend. Savannah

A girl asked a boy if she was pretty, he said "No". She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever, he said "No". Then she asked him if he would cry if she walked away, he said "No". She had heard enough; she needed to leave.

As she walked away he grabbed her arm and told her to stay. He said "You're not pretty, you're beautiful. I don`t want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."

Love from
Savannah Ellis

The Infidelity Recovery Coach

www.infidelitycoach.net