Affair Recovery

 

Hey There,

So you are trying to recover from an affair, and here you are, by yourself, looking for solutions on the internet. Perhaps you think you will read something that will bring you an instant fix, relief from that gut wrenching pain, help you move forward, try to trust them or try and forgive.

But nothing.

I really feel for you. I am really so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. But I have to tell you that nothing you read here on the net will provide a solution, other than to confuse and frustrate you. 

You will find sites that give stories of other peoples cheating, to Christian sites offering their services, to sites like ours that provide in house or web based solutions.

I have to tell you though, that unless your partner is will to commit to being involved in this process, then you are fighting this battle blindfolded with one arm tied behind your back. Success in affair recovery will only come from both of you deciding to work through it together.

So get off the internet and go find your partner. Ask them what are we going to do to work through these issues. Grab a pen and a note pad, and brain storm a bunch of options. Don't argue about each others ideas. Just write them down. Then go through each idea one at a time and come down to your top 2 or 3.

Take ACTION then to do something - make a call, enroll, do whatever it takes. Because I promise you one thing, you will not move forward from this situation without some type of help.

So go on.....

Wish you love and relationship success,

Savannah

xoxo

Founder & Coach

www.infidelitycoach.net

www.infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com

Tips for making a divorce bearable for your kids

In all likelihood, your divorce will be remembered as one of the most painful and difficult times in your child's life. It is a massive psychological trauma that can have many unwanted emotional side effects and affect every aspect of their lives - at home and at school.

With that said, there is no doubt that you want the best for your child, so here are a few things that you might be able to do to ease the process and make things easier.

Don't argue in front of your kids. This kind of negative behavior will only create more confusion and stress. This includes speaking badly about your ex-spouse and the all-to-common, and frequently unintentional, tendency for parents to make children choose sides in the divorce battle.

Another common tendency is for parents to make children into confidantes. This arises from a desire to be close to the child as well as an overwhelming need to talk about the situation, especially when appropriate therapy is not in place.

This does nothing but harm the child, creating confusion and feelings of resentment and an emotional weight that becomes difficult to bear.

In the midst of the divorce it is also common to make promises to children that you know (or suspect) will be impossible to keep. Promising vacations and visitation that have not been cleared with the other party or the attorneys, or promising to come to events that will fall on days when you do not have visitation rights.

This will be particularly hard on you, but it is simply part of the divorce process. Whatever temporary positive feelings will result from the lie, the long-term mistrust will far outweigh it.

Finally, even if you are a once-a-month parent, do not give up your status as an authority figure. 
 However infrequent, you are still the parent, and it's important to fight a tendency to surrender this role in favor of attempting to win the child's love through spoiling him or her.
 Do not allow your child to stay up late, become disrespectful, or act as if they run the house. This will only cause trouble in the near future.

With all that said, it's important to remember that there are some proactive steps that you can take to make your child's life easier.

Tell your child's teacher about the divorce and attempt to get therapy. Your child will probably need it, particularly if grades begin to slip or behavioral issues emerge.

While you're at it, get therapy for yourself. You may need it to help you deal with your feelings and stress. You will need to be emotionally healthy if you hope to help your child to be emotionally healthy. This will also help you in keeping your problems away from your kids and not burdening them with your emotional baggage.

Finally, but foremost, always remember to keep the needs of your child before your own needs. Act as a unified front with your ex, even if you are no longer on speaking terms. Define a plan for your parenting that will address your child's needs and also (if possible) allow equal access to the children.
This will help with the most important aspect of parenting, which is staying involved.

Savannah Ellis

Architect of Self-Love, Value & Worth

Speaker & Author

WWW.infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com

I believe that relationships are the new currency.
Connection and relationship building matter more than anything!
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The Most Common Warning Signs Of Cheating

There are no strict and definitive clues that can tell if your spouse or partner is cheating. However, noticing several of the common signs happening at the same time should be enough to stir your curiosity and make you become a little cautious. Although it is not healthy to doubt your partner, it will help for you to be on your toes if your guts tell you that something wrong is up.
If your instinct tells you that your partner might be seeing another, you might want to look into other possible signs. See if your husband or wife is showing some of these following signs.

They’re Starting to Dress Up – Better Than Usual

If your partner dresses up better when they are scheduled to go out with you, then that’s something you should appreciate. However, if there is a sudden change in styling and hygiene, even without an occasion to dress up for in the first place, you get the right to be wary. If the change doesn’t happen along with an effort to be with you or please you, then he or she might be doing it for someone else. You can also watch out for a change in perfume or cologne. If they have been using the same scent for years and suddenly puts on another without saying anything about it, it must mean something that you don’t want happening.

Always on the Guard of His or Her Phone and Social Media Accounts

If your partner suddenly won’t let you touch their phone, turn it off or put it on silent mode when you’re together, or take it wherever he goes, then it could be that they are hiding something. Same goes with their social media accounts. If they won’t let you know of their new password, and the reason why they changed it, you can start putting the radar up and running.

Catching Secret Phone Conversations

You can imagine it: you walk into a room where your husband or wife is, and they suddenly drop the call, telling you it’s work-related. This one’s a sure classic that you shouldn’t miss or let pass.

He or She Starts Picking a Fight About Every Little Thing

If they begin arguing with you for no reasonable reason at all and blaming you for just about anything, they could be subconsciously covering something up. Furthermore, these fights will give them the excuse to stay away from you for quite some time, getting the chance to spend more time with the other man or woman.

Friends Acting Weird

If you have common friends and they suddenly act weird around you, then they might know something that you don’t know. Whether they’re loyal to your partner enough to cover them up or they love you that much they don’t want to hurt you, the bottom line is, they must be hiding something really fishy.

He or She Starts Accusing YOU of Sheating

This is probably the worst and most painful signal that your partner is cheating. If they begin accusing you of cheating when you are not actually doing it, it must be their guilty conscience speaking. Cheaters are often too sensitive and defensive and this can manifest through accusations and making hurtful remarks about you.

Savannah Ellis is a relationship therapist from Las Vegas. She does affair recovery coaching and sharing an advice for cheaters and their partners.

5 Signs He Is Having An Affair?

There would always come that point in the relationship where the husband would get sick of the wife and vice versa.  If you are a lady and love him so much, you can’t really stop the fact that he might be having an affair with another woman.  Here are 5 signs that would mean he is seeing another woman:

1) You Rarely See Him

If he is suddenly rarely seen at home, there is a good chance he is seeing another woman.  However, he will continue to shower you with a ton of excuses including he had to work overtime, he had to visit a sick friend and he had to do some last minute shopping.  It is possible he does not want to come home because he feels guilty.  He could run out of excuses and you should take notice of his reasons if he always comes home late or does not even come home for some days.

2) He is Suddenly Unreachable

It can make you feel suspicious if you suddenly can’t reach his mobile phone at times when you know you can call him.  He can give you that old excuse that his mobile phone ran out of battery but he can’t simply repeat that excuse a couple more times than usual.  If he can’t be reached on his mobile phone then it could be because he is with somebody else and turning off the mobile phone is his way of covering it up.

3) Follow Your Instinct

A woman would know if something fishy is going on just by a gut feeling.  You would know if your man is suddenly not behaving the way he used to.  You would know that there is a chance he could be seeing someone else especially if he smells like a girl’s perfume.

4) He Talks about Another Woman

If he suddenly talks about another girl then there is a good chance she is the third party.  There is a chance the guy has already fallen in love with the girl which could be reason why he can’t help but talk about her.  Of course, he could be covering it up by telling you she is just a friend but you can’t help but feel jealous.  You can’t really blame yourself if you tell him to stop talking about that girl but he would always forget your warnings and still talk about her.

5) He is Defensive

When he comes home late and you ask him where he was, he suddenly blows off on you by asking you why you would ask him such questions.  If that happens then there is a good reason something fishy is going on because if that is not the case then he would just smile at you.  There might even be a chance that your partner suddenly accuses you of having another man.  If that happens then it is probably because it is the other way around and he may be trying to hide it himself.

Phases in Dealing & Healing from Affair-Crisis

It is important to note that not all affairs or discovery of affairs lead to marital crisis. Married couples in many cultures in the past or present have accepted, tolerated or even incorporated affairs and multiple relationships into the marriage via open conversations or via don't ask, don't tell unspoken agreement.

Phase 1: Discovery and Crisis:
When a secretive extramarital affair comes to light, it sometimes launches a marital crisis. In response to discovery, the betrayed partner often feels a sense of violation, despair, rage, anger, fear, distrust, depression, jealousy, or may feel relief and validation. The involved spouse’s feelings may include shame, remorse, exposure, fear, anger, rage or violence.

People must realize at this phase that:
a. Many of these feeling are normal
b. They will not last forever
c. This is not the time to make major martial decisions.

Phase 2: Initial Dealings with the Affair:
After the exposure of the affair following the discovery or initial confrontation has passed, it is time for the couple to gain perspective and to become more reflective. This is a phase thatmay involve a lot of blame between the couple, as unresolved hurts come to the surface. Unless the couple comes to terms with the affair and is ready to incorporate it into the marriage, the involved spouse may need to:
a. Cut off all contact with the lover
b. Make a commitment to future honesty and marital integrity,
c. Offer a sincere apology,
d. Apologize repeatedly,
e. Honestly answer legitimate 
f. Be willing to take AIDS or other STD tests.

At this stage the couple tries to understand the individual and couple dynamics that fueled the
affair and starts moving away from despair and blame to a realization that the marriage can survive the affair.

Phase 3: Beginning Again: Building a Stronger Post-Affair Marriage:
This stage is about coming to an agreement about the structure of the marriage and about rebuilding the relationship and basing themarriage on mature love, not romantic love. Unlike the falling in love stage, mature love is based on realistic expectations, responsibility, accepting oneself and the other’s strengths and weaknesses, knowledge and care of each other and being able to resolve conflicts.

Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves, acceptance, letting go of resentment and being able to forgive. And yes....it is easier said than done. Hang in there because it is worth it in the long run.

The infidelity recovery program is available to take you through a 7 Step Infidelity Recovery Process. Go to www.infidelitycoaches.com to find an Infidelity Recovery Coach near you.

12 Types of Affairs

Infidelity, unlike what most people assume, is neither rare, an exclusively man's doing, nor the likely end of the marriage. Almost a third of all marriages may need to confront and deal with the aftermath of extramarital affairs, and the statistics for women are quickly catching up to those of men. Interestingly, infidelity has become an equal opportunity affair. Women, men, gay, straight, young and old, all seem to be somehow engaged in affairs.  

The Internet or online affairs have become extremely prevalent and, some claim, pose one of the biggest threats to marriage. It is very important to realize that marital affairs are common, normal in many societies and survivable. Marriages can get stronger when members of the couple deal constructively with the affair.

Many famous people have publicly dealt with their marital infidelity. These include presidents, such as Roosevelt, Kennedy, Clinton and Jefferson, and other public figures, such as Prince Charles, Princess Diana, Marion Barry,Gary Hart, Martin Luther King and television evangelist Jim Bakker. Actors have long provided endless material for tabloids on affairs and infidelity.

A 26-year affair with her co-star Spencer Tracy was hidden from the public.

Some more known examples are Bill Cosby, Sophia Loren, and Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn's life-long affair. Correspondingly, many movies have dealt with affairs, most notably The Bridges of Madison County,Out of Africa, The Horse Whisperer, Closer and, of course, The Graduate.

The common belief is that affairs are about sex. In fact, affairs are often about self-expression and not always a reflection of a bad marriage. Infidelity is unfaithfulness to a sexual partner in an agreed monogamous relationship. It is a betrayal of trust & friendship.

Not all affairs are created equal: Types of Affairs:

1. Conflict Avoidance:
People who go to any length to avoid any and all marital conflictmay resort to affairs.

2. Intimacy Avoidance:
"Intimacy avoiders" are reluctant to be intimately close and use the affair to keep themselves at an emotional distance from their spouse.

3. Individual (Existential or Developmental):
Mid-life crisis, fear of growing old, the empty nest, depression and a sense of emptiness or a void are factors that can fuel an affair.

4. Sexual Addiction:
Sex addicts compulsively display poor impulse control. They use sex over and over again to
numb inner pain and/or a sense of emptiness.

5. Accidental-Brief Affairs:
This type of one night stand affair "just happens," when a person is in the right (wrong)
place at the right time. Curiosity, pity, drunkenness and even politeness may lead to such affairs.

6. Philandering:
Some individuals are insecure and constantly need to "score," conquer or receive affirmation
about themselves. Narcissistic and impulsive individuals may be especially prone to marital infidelity.

7. Retribution:
Sometimes one partner wants to "get back" at the other partner by having an affair. This may be payback for withholding money, love, emotion or any other perceived wrongdoing. Unsatisfactory Marriage: This kind of affair is the result of a bad relationship in regard to communication, intimacy, support or sexuality.

9. Exit Affairs:
"Affair exiters" use the affair as a jumping off point to end a marriage.

10. Parallel Lives:
These are long-term extramarital relationships, which coincide with the original marital dyad.
Affairs of this kind do not necessary hurt the marriage and many claim may sometimes even support it by increasing the development and sense of well-being of all involved. Examples of these are Spencer Tracy & Katharine Hepburn's life-long affair or Prince Charles & Camilla Parker Bowles' affair. Such extramarital relationships are sometimes known, accepted or tolerated by the spouse and others.

11. Online:
Online affairs have become extremely prevalent since the inception of the Internet and the
propagation of pornography and online dating. Some view online affairs as one of the biggest threats to marriage. With the "Quadruple A engine" of accessibility, affordability, anonymity and addiction, the Internet population seems to be exploring sexuality in ways that are unprecedented.

12. Consensual Extramarital Sexual Relationships:
Sometimes extramarital relationships are explicitly incorporated into the marriage, as in open marriages, polyamorous, or other arrangements.

Rebuilding your relationship after an affair begins with knowing what you are dealing with - what type of affair was it? Try and be calm and talk about what happened. If you can't do it alone, then seek professional help.

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People often come into couples counseling expecting the counselor to have a magic pill that will take away the pain of the affair. Others believe marriage counseling is enough to "fix" the relationship. Counseling services for either an individual or a couple will take time to work through the pain and start to repair themselves and their relationship - if at all possible.

Although there is no steadfast rule for determining how quickly or slowly a couple will recover from an affair, experts agree that full healing can take place in two years, with some couples taking longer and others recovering sooner. The length of time it takes is directly related to what happens immediately after the affair is discovered.

In other words....if you take the advice of the coach!

Trauma – Discovery to 6 months: 
During this phase, the betrayed partner will be in shock and experience significant emotional trauma as a result of finding out about the affair. People feel angry, vengeful, and hopeless. This phase is often a roller coaster of emotions, ranging from loss and grief, to rage and frustration, and can be accompanied by bouts of tears. Both the perpetrator and the betrayed cannot think clearly during this phase, and both may experience physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, weight or concentration.

Issues Clarification – 
3 to 6 months. It is during this time that couples begin to examine what led to the affair. Although there is still a great deal of emotional instability, partners want to understand why the affair happened. The sooner couples can begin this process, the sooner they can reap the rewards of closure. Enlisting the help of a divorce recovery therapist is vital during this extremely psychologically stressful time.

Addressing the Problem – 
6 months to 1 year. This is when the real work begins. As the emotions become more manageable, spouses can tackle the difficult task of working on the issues that led to the affair. There will be highs and lows, as guilt and anger become mixed with longing for the relationship, but couples who persevere through this phase will be able to finally address the issues that are at the root of much of their discontent.

With the roughest patches in the past, this is a time to a couple can embrace the new relationship they have created. Hopefully, by working with a therapist, couples will have stronger, more genuine bonds. Trust may still be difficult for the betrayed partner, and each will have difficult days accepting that the previous life they knew has been changed forever. There will be days where both partners still struggle to understand why the affair happened. But by practicing techniques learned in therapy, couples can continue to develop an open, honest and new relationship, free of the encumbrances of the affair.

NOTE - that couples who do NOT come into coaching and try do it themselves, have a higher failure rate. When they do decide to come into coaching it is often too late, as by then the love and respect has turnt into disgust and resentment.

Should You Set Up a Honey Trap?

Do you ever wonder if your spouse is unfaithful? Increasingly, people who suspect their partners of infidelity are utilizing a technique long known to be successful by private investigators, police departments, and even the FBI. If your goal is to know if your spouse has a tendency toward infidelity, you might want to try a honey trap.

What is a honey trap? Simply, a honey trap (sometimes called a honey pot trap) is a kind of "sting operation" in which a person hired by you approaches your spouse and attempts to seduce him. Your agent is usually an attractive woman, particularly one of a type that you know will appeal to your husband. This person approaches your spouse at time of increased opportunity and lowered inhibition - at a bar or even on a business trip, when your partner might feel more able to get away with cheating. Your agent then attempts to seduce your spouse, luring him into physical contact or a verbal affirmation of his intentions. A honey trap proves intent, but not infidelity.

So why is a honey trap the "nuclear option" for catching your spouse in acts of infidelity? Well, simply because the decision to undertake the setup of a honey trap is a very, very serious one that could lead to the truth - but the truth could also lead to disaster. The decision to organize a honey trap should not be taken lightly, and the consequences and repercussions should be weighed against your need to know.

The first thing to remember is that a honey trap will not tell you if your partner is cheating on you. A honey trap will only demonstrate your partner's willingness to cheat. For some this may be enough, for others, it may only create more uncertainty. Particularly difficult is the potential for a reasonable defense on the part of your partner after being caught in the trap - namely that it was an unrealistic situation that he would never have been put in had it not been invented by you. You will also be confronted with a very difficult decision: is knowing that your partner is willing to cheat as serious as actual physical infidelity? If the answer is yes, then a honey trap will serve your needs. If not, or if you're unsure, then maybe you should think twice about entrapping your spouse in this way.

There are a few ways to go about "building" a honey trap. The easiest way is probably to hire a detective agency that specializes in entrapment of this kind, but whether you hire an agency or do it yourself, you will need to consider a few things.

What type of person is your spouse attracted to? It is definitely not true that any attractive girl will do. Even if your spouse has a predisposition to cheat, it may be difficult to convince him to. Think about everything from hair color preference to personality. Remember that you are trying to create a fantasy. You will also need to create an opportunity. You may want to hire someone to follow him on an overnight business trip, or, if possible, leave town yourself. He will be much more likely to cheat if he has the extra freedom of being away from you.

If your spouse falls into the honey trap, then you will have a piece of knowledge that you will probably have to act on. If he doesn't, and the honey trap only yields good news, then you never have to tell him. But be aware that if he ever finds out that you schemed to entrap him this way, there will be huge repercussions, and the relationship might end no matter what the result of the trap was.

Be extraordinarily cautious when testing your spouse like this. Be aware that if you ask a question, you'll get an answer - even if it isn't the answer you want.

Jessica London

The Infidelity Recovery Institute
www.infidelitycoaches.com
www.facebook.com/infidelitycoach

How much should you tell the kids when Mum or Dad had an affair?

Parents frequently ask what is and is not appropriate to tell their children. My view is that “less is more”. The less you tell them, the more they are prevented from undo stress. It is best not to give them the adult details about the reasons for the divorce. This potentially places children in an untenable position of being a parent’s peer or confidante and might make them feel as if they need to side with one parent against the other parent. It is best to give them an age appropriate, general explanation, which can then be expanded upon over time.

Children MUST know they have the love and security from BOTH parents. If you are a parent in this situation, do not talk poorly about the child's other parent to them directly OR within earshot of the child.

YOU ARE damaging your child. Please realize that your child wants a happy and positive family environment. Your child is NOT your friend. Let children be children, and have as few concerns as possible.

Like always , my views are harsh, but I see too many children and adults having broken relationships because of this issue. Nobody benefits.
 
Savannah Ellis
DBA, MBA, BBSc, MPsych (Clin)
A Better Life Counseling Center
1070 W. Horizon Ridge, Suite 200
Henderson, Nevada, 89012

415-877-4004

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