12 Types of Affairs

Infidelity, unlike what most people assume, is neither rare, an exclusively man's doing, nor the likely end of the marriage. Almost a third of all marriages may need to confront and deal with the aftermath of extramarital affairs, and the statistics for women are quickly catching up to those of men. Interestingly, infidelity has become an equal opportunity affair. Women, men, gay, straight, young and old, all seem to be somehow engaged in affairs.  

The Internet or online affairs have become extremely prevalent and, some claim, pose one of the biggest threats to marriage. It is very important to realize that marital affairs are common, normal in many societies and survivable. Marriages can get stronger when members of the couple deal constructively with the affair.

Many famous people have publicly dealt with their marital infidelity. These include presidents, such as Roosevelt, Kennedy, Clinton and Jefferson, and other public figures, such as Prince Charles, Princess Diana, Marion Barry,Gary Hart, Martin Luther King and television evangelist Jim Bakker. Actors have long provided endless material for tabloids on affairs and infidelity.

A 26-year affair with her co-star Spencer Tracy was hidden from the public.

Some more known examples are Bill Cosby, Sophia Loren, and Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn's life-long affair. Correspondingly, many movies have dealt with affairs, most notably The Bridges of Madison County,Out of Africa, The Horse Whisperer, Closer and, of course, The Graduate.

The common belief is that affairs are about sex. In fact, affairs are often about self-expression and not always a reflection of a bad marriage. Infidelity is unfaithfulness to a sexual partner in an agreed monogamous relationship. It is a betrayal of trust & friendship.

Not all affairs are created equal: Types of Affairs:

1. Conflict Avoidance:
People who go to any length to avoid any and all marital conflictmay resort to affairs.

2. Intimacy Avoidance:
"Intimacy avoiders" are reluctant to be intimately close and use the affair to keep themselves at an emotional distance from their spouse.

3. Individual (Existential or Developmental):
Mid-life crisis, fear of growing old, the empty nest, depression and a sense of emptiness or a void are factors that can fuel an affair.

4. Sexual Addiction:
Sex addicts compulsively display poor impulse control. They use sex over and over again to
numb inner pain and/or a sense of emptiness.

5. Accidental-Brief Affairs:
This type of one night stand affair "just happens," when a person is in the right (wrong)
place at the right time. Curiosity, pity, drunkenness and even politeness may lead to such affairs.

6. Philandering:
Some individuals are insecure and constantly need to "score," conquer or receive affirmation
about themselves. Narcissistic and impulsive individuals may be especially prone to marital infidelity.

7. Retribution:
Sometimes one partner wants to "get back" at the other partner by having an affair. This may be payback for withholding money, love, emotion or any other perceived wrongdoing. Unsatisfactory Marriage: This kind of affair is the result of a bad relationship in regard to communication, intimacy, support or sexuality.

9. Exit Affairs:
"Affair exiters" use the affair as a jumping off point to end a marriage.

10. Parallel Lives:
These are long-term extramarital relationships, which coincide with the original marital dyad.
Affairs of this kind do not necessary hurt the marriage and many claim may sometimes even support it by increasing the development and sense of well-being of all involved. Examples of these are Spencer Tracy & Katharine Hepburn's life-long affair or Prince Charles & Camilla Parker Bowles' affair. Such extramarital relationships are sometimes known, accepted or tolerated by the spouse and others.

11. Online:
Online affairs have become extremely prevalent since the inception of the Internet and the
propagation of pornography and online dating. Some view online affairs as one of the biggest threats to marriage. With the "Quadruple A engine" of accessibility, affordability, anonymity and addiction, the Internet population seems to be exploring sexuality in ways that are unprecedented.

12. Consensual Extramarital Sexual Relationships:
Sometimes extramarital relationships are explicitly incorporated into the marriage, as in open marriages, polyamorous, or other arrangements.

Rebuilding your relationship after an affair begins with knowing what you are dealing with - what type of affair was it? Try and be calm and talk about what happened. If you can't do it alone, then seek professional help.

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Understand each others emotional needs

On this weeks relationship vitamin...I spoke of step 3 in affair recovery:

MEETING EACH OTHERS EMOTIONAL NEEDS

To here me ramble on :) go to http://youtu.be/5YPNT5fbkT0


What is an emotional need? It is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration.

Everyone is unique. While men on average pick a particular set of five emotional needs as their most important and women on average pick another set of five, any given man or woman can and do pick various combinations of the ten. So even though I know the most important emotional needs of the average man and woman, I don't know the emotional needs of any particular husband or wife.

The Infidelity Coach says these are the top Emotional Needs needs of her clients:

 Affection
 Sexual
 Conversation
 Recreational Companionship
 Honesty and Openness
 Physical Attractiveness
 Respect
 Domestic Support
 Encouragement
 Admiration

So what is your homework tonight?

Firstly, both you and your partner need to take the time and effort to take ACTION.
Then, with each of these needs - rank from 1 (not important) to 5 (extremely important)

how important is this need to you
how does your partner go in meeting this need
then list your top 5 needs in order
compare and discuss
Create a plan of what you are going to change to make each other happier
That's EASY right!

Catch me on Youtube each Friday with a new Relationship Vitamin.

This is YOUR time!

Savannah


To find out more, go to: www.infidelitycoach.net

To become a coach go to: www.infidelitycoaches.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/infidelitycoach

How much should you tell the kids when Mum or Dad had an affair?

Parents frequently ask what is and is not appropriate to tell their children. My view is that “less is more”. The less you tell them, the more they are prevented from undo stress. It is best not to give them the adult details about the reasons for the divorce. This potentially places children in an untenable position of being a parent’s peer or confidante and might make them feel as if they need to side with one parent against the other parent. It is best to give them an age appropriate, general explanation, which can then be expanded upon over time.

Children MUST know they have the love and security from BOTH parents. If you are a parent in this situation, do not talk poorly about the child's other parent to them directly OR within earshot of the child.

YOU ARE damaging your child. Please realize that your child wants a happy and positive family environment. Your child is NOT your friend. Let children be children, and have as few concerns as possible.

Like always , my views are harsh, but I see too many children and adults having broken relationships because of this issue. Nobody benefits.
 
Savannah Ellis
DBA, MBA, BBSc, MPsych (Clin)
A Better Life Counseling Center
1070 W. Horizon Ridge, Suite 200
Henderson, Nevada, 89012

415-877-4004

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