Phases in Dealing & Healing from Affair-Crisis

It is important to note that not all affairs or discovery of affairs lead to marital crisis. Married couples in many cultures in the past or present have accepted, tolerated or even incorporated affairs and multiple relationships into the marriage via open conversations or via don't ask, don't tell unspoken agreement.

Phase 1: Discovery and Crisis:
When a secretive extramarital affair comes to light, it sometimes launches a marital crisis. In response to discovery, the betrayed partner often feels a sense of violation, despair, rage, anger, fear, distrust, depression, jealousy, or may feel relief and validation. The involved spouse’s feelings may include shame, remorse, exposure, fear, anger, rage or violence.

People must realize at this phase that:
a. Many of these feeling are normal
b. They will not last forever
c. This is not the time to make major martial decisions.

Phase 2: Initial Dealings with the Affair:
After the exposure of the affair following the discovery or initial confrontation has passed, it is time for the couple to gain perspective and to become more reflective. This is a phase thatmay involve a lot of blame between the couple, as unresolved hurts come to the surface. Unless the couple comes to terms with the affair and is ready to incorporate it into the marriage, the involved spouse may need to:
a. Cut off all contact with the lover
b. Make a commitment to future honesty and marital integrity,
c. Offer a sincere apology,
d. Apologize repeatedly,
e. Honestly answer legitimate 
f. Be willing to take AIDS or other STD tests.

At this stage the couple tries to understand the individual and couple dynamics that fueled the
affair and starts moving away from despair and blame to a realization that the marriage can survive the affair.

Phase 3: Beginning Again: Building a Stronger Post-Affair Marriage:
This stage is about coming to an agreement about the structure of the marriage and about rebuilding the relationship and basing themarriage on mature love, not romantic love. Unlike the falling in love stage, mature love is based on realistic expectations, responsibility, accepting oneself and the other’s strengths and weaknesses, knowledge and care of each other and being able to resolve conflicts.

Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves, acceptance, letting go of resentment and being able to forgive. And yes....it is easier said than done. Hang in there because it is worth it in the long run.

The infidelity recovery program is available to take you through a 7 Step Infidelity Recovery Process. Go to www.infidelitycoaches.com to find an Infidelity Recovery Coach near you.