Step Parenting in 2013

Oh the joys of kids! The ups and the downs of raising kids is both rewarding and challenging. But what if the kids are not your own biological children?

Step family situations are more common than not in 2013 as the divorce rate Sky rockets. On my facebook page, I recently posted this stat:

"Nothing guarantees failure of new relationships more than dragging the unfinished business of each former relationship into the next. Proof: 1st marriage divorce rate = 50%; 2nd = 67%; 3rd = 73%."

Newly remarried couples without children usually use their first months together to build on their relationship. Couples with children, on the other hand, are often more consumed with their own kids than with each other.

You will no doubt focus a lot of energy on your children and their adjustment, but you also need to focus on building a strong marital bond. This will ultimately benefit everyone, including the children. If the children see love, respect, and open communication between you and your spouse, they will feel more secure and may even learn to model those qualities.

• Set aside time as a couple by making regular dates or meeting for lunch or coffee during school time.
• Present a unified parenting approach to the children – arguing or disagreeing in front of them may encourage them to try to come between you.

Creating family routines and rituals helps unite family members. Decide on meaningful family rituals and plan to incorporate at least one into your blended family. They might include Sunday visits to the beach, a weekly game night, or special ways to celebrate a family birthday. Establishing regular family meals, for example, offers a great chance for you to talk and bond with your children and stepchildren as well as encourage healthy eating habits.

If, despite all of your best efforts, your new spouse and/or children are not getting along, find a way to protect and nurture the children despite the difficult environment. Hopefully, if the kids see and feel your emotional support, they will do their best with the situation.

It might be time to seek outside help from a therapist if:

• a child directs anger upon a particular family member or openly resents a step-parent or parent.
• a step-parent or parent openly favors one child over another.
• members of the family derive no pleasure from usually enjoyable activities such as school, working, playing, or being with friends and family. 

Peace & Love

Savannah

www.infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com

Phases in Dealing & Healing from Affair-Crisis

It is important to note that not all affairs or discovery of affairs lead to marital crisis. Married couples in many cultures in the past or present have accepted, tolerated or even incorporated affairs and multiple relationships into the marriage via open conversations or via don't ask, don't tell unspoken agreement.

Phase 1: Discovery and Crisis:
When a secretive extramarital affair comes to light, it sometimes launches a marital crisis. In response to discovery, the betrayed partner often feels a sense of violation, despair, rage, anger, fear, distrust, depression, jealousy, or may feel relief and validation. The involved spouse’s feelings may include shame, remorse, exposure, fear, anger, rage or violence.

People must realize at this phase that:
a. Many of these feeling are normal
b. They will not last forever
c. This is not the time to make major martial decisions.

Phase 2: Initial Dealings with the Affair:
After the exposure of the affair following the discovery or initial confrontation has passed, it is time for the couple to gain perspective and to become more reflective. This is a phase thatmay involve a lot of blame between the couple, as unresolved hurts come to the surface. Unless the couple comes to terms with the affair and is ready to incorporate it into the marriage, the involved spouse may need to:
a. Cut off all contact with the lover
b. Make a commitment to future honesty and marital integrity,
c. Offer a sincere apology,
d. Apologize repeatedly,
e. Honestly answer legitimate 
f. Be willing to take AIDS or other STD tests.

At this stage the couple tries to understand the individual and couple dynamics that fueled the
affair and starts moving away from despair and blame to a realization that the marriage can survive the affair.

Phase 3: Beginning Again: Building a Stronger Post-Affair Marriage:
This stage is about coming to an agreement about the structure of the marriage and about rebuilding the relationship and basing themarriage on mature love, not romantic love. Unlike the falling in love stage, mature love is based on realistic expectations, responsibility, accepting oneself and the other’s strengths and weaknesses, knowledge and care of each other and being able to resolve conflicts.

Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves, acceptance, letting go of resentment and being able to forgive. And yes....it is easier said than done. Hang in there because it is worth it in the long run.

The infidelity recovery program is available to take you through a 7 Step Infidelity Recovery Process. Go to www.infidelitycoaches.com to find an Infidelity Recovery Coach near you.

SO YOU ARE VOMITING AND EATING CHOCOLATE CAKE?

Do you know that your brain is trained to focus on keeping you in state?

So if you like to think about being miserable, you will source out things to do and think about that make you feel that way.

If you train your brain to think positive thoughts, then you will do things that make you feel happy and stay in that frame of mind.

It is very hard to be doing something you really like, and then at the same time think of something you totally hate. For example, you can’t be eating your favorite piece of chocolate cake, and imagine the site and smell of someone vomiting.

But this is what we do when we are in the middle of affair recovery, or when we have constant negative intrusive thoughts. We “try” and have a great time with our partner, pretending to enjoy our self (POSITIVILY CODING OUR BRAINS THAT THIS IS FUN) while at the same time we want to scream out “Why did you have an affair? Why did you do this? Why did you do that? Why why why”(Coding our brains that the relationship is negative and painful). Our partner then starts to NOT want to spend time with YOU, because being with you is PAIN.

SO YOU ARE VOMITING AND EATING CHOCOLATE CAKE!

Check out my  YouTube Video on this......... http://youtu.be/_cVqGurXeI8

On of my solutions for this is to train yourself (and your brain) to:
1. Set a time each week to talk about your intrusive thoughts. Write them down. Tell your partner you need 30 mins to 1 hour every week to ask questions, and provide the level of detail you need these answers to be.
2. Allow yourself to be in the moment and have a good time. You both NEED to enjoy yourselves. Stop bringing up negative conversation during fun times.
3. Complement each other often, share your positive thoughts to each other. Open up a little and get vulnerable. It’s hard to think negatively when you are being complimented.


This is YOUR time,

Savannah

Do you need relationship help?   www.infidelitycoach.net 
Would you like to become a Relationship Coach?   www.infidelitycoaches.com

Find me on social media.....
http://www.youtube.com/InfidelityCoaching
http://www.facebook.com/infidelitycoach
http://www.twitter.com/infidelityguru

Forgiveness - the benefits of forgiving

When a client first contacts me at the Infidelity Recovery Clinic, one of their most sincere desires is to be able to forgive their partner for what ever they had done. They want to be able to love and trust them again. So they come into clinic hopeful that I will have the magic vitamin which will restore the trust and make the pain go away. The great thing is that the pain will go away and you can forgive and rebuild trust. It is just that the "magic vitamin" takes a little time to work its magic, and the clients dedication to implementing the new tools they learn at the clinic. 

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. 

Forgiveness can lead to:

• ·       Healthier relationships
• ·       Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• ·       Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• ·       Lower blood pressure
• ·       Fewer symptoms of depression
• ·       Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:

• ·       Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
• ·       Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
• ·       When you're ready, actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you
• ·       Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.

Does forgiveness effect a couples happiness?

Forgiveness has been found to be a very significant component in the relationships of happy couples. In a study of over 7,000 married couples who took PREPARE/ENRICH, 87% of the Vitalized couples had high scores in forgiveness indicating it to be a relationship strength. Devitalized couples had low scores in forgiveness indicating this was a growth area in their relationship.  The Prepare Enrich Couple's Workbook contains a 6-step model for seeking forgiveness and a 6-step model of granting forgiveness that is used to help guide you through these processes.   

Often by doing the Prepare Enrich Assessment while recovering from betrayal such as infidelity and affairs, the couple can review the strengths of the relationship at the same time. People need to remember what they are fighting for, and that by learning to take on life challenges and move through them together, they will be stronger as a couple and MUCH happier long term.

If you are sick and tired of not being able to not forgive, it is up to you to TAKE ACTION. Forgiveness is for you.

This is your time!

Savannah

www.infidelitycoach.net 

Do you need relationship help?

www.infidelitycoaches.com 

Would you like to become a Relationship Coach?

Find me on social media.....

http://www.youtube.com/InfidelityCoaching

http://www.facebook.com/infidelitycoach

http://www.twitter.com/infidelityguru