Should I have sex with my spouse after an affair?

 Question: Should I have sex with my spouse after an affair?

A:   My answer is given with the assumption that the affair is over. I don't think it is ever healthy for a person to be a willing participant in their spouse's affair behavior. If he/she is having sex with someone else, then your bed should not be available to them.

But if your spouse is no longer sexually involved with an affair partner, there are many factors that go into determining how quickly you begin having sex with her/him again. Some people want to engage in sexual activity right away. Others wonder if they'll ever want to do it again.

Having sex with your spouse will probably be emotionally painful for a while. You shouldn't feel pressured into having sex until you're ready, but there is nothing wrong with doing it if you want to. Having sex with your spouse doesn't mean you're being weak; it just means that you want to feel close. Physical intimacy may be the only significant connection you have right now, so if you want it, don't be afraid to ask for it.

For a while, at least, you need to be making the decisions in this regard. But in doing so, you can expect conflicted feelings:

(1) the comfort you feel from being sexually close to your spouse 

(2) the pain of his/her betrayal in this most intimate act. The pain will diminish as you go through the process of learning to trust again, but it will take time.

If you wait until you have no conflicted feelings, you'll probably not be having sex for quite a while!

On the other hand, you should feel free to enjoy whatever benefit you get from being intimate with your spouse right now, without feeling guilty when the pain/anger shows up again. Your spouse is going to have to accept that for a while. But I do think there is benefit in starting to take back what rightfully belongs to your marriage.

If you have a sexual aversion, CLICK HERE to join our member online home program.

WARNING: Whatever you do, do not engage in sexual activity until your spouse has been tested for STDs. Do not trust their story of how "clean" the other person was. The truth is, they really don't know. You need to protect yourself. Insist that they be tested and show you the test results.

If you've already had sex with your partner since the start of the affair, you should be tested as well.

Wishing you happiness & health,

Savannah Ellis
Founder, the Infidelity Recovery Institute

Saving the fabric of society, one relationship at a time!

 www.infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com