The Christmas Time BPD Blues!

I was motivated to write you this week about Borderline Personalities. The reason being is that I have had 3 clients struggling with both current and x-partners, who have the disorder. Why are they struggling? Because dealing daily with a spouse who has BPD can be damaging to your own mental health.

NOTE: The current DSM-5 has a new classification for Personality Disorders.

Five Familiar “Fights” (Relationship Behavioral Patterns)

Having a borderline loved one means having that “it’s déjà vu all over again” feeling much of the time. You may feel get stuck in these five familiar behavioral patterns, or “fights,” with no clue about what’s happening, how you got there, or how to get out.

1. The “It’s Your Fault” Fight

“Once my BP girlfriend snapped at me for looking through some DVDs the wrong way. I asked her in a very even tone of voice, “What are you getting upset about?” For the rest of the day she sulked and gave me the silent treatment.”

For BPs to admit to themselves or others that anything about them is less than perfect would be admitting that they are defective.

2. The “Heads I Win, Tails You Lose” Fight

“My mother is the master of double-binds. When I call her as soon as I get home at the end of my day, she is short and rude because she is in the middle of something. But if I wait until later in the evening to call, she says in an accusatory way, “You’ve been home for how long? And you didn’t call me?”

You know you’re in a no-win scenario when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. People with BPD are consistently inconsistent.

3. The “Projection” Fight

“There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s something wrong with you!

People often try to avoid feeling bad about their own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them (often in an accusing way) to someone else. This is a common defense mechanism called projection. people with BPD take it to the extreme.

4. The “I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me” Fight

I am totally confused. My BP boyfriend broke up with me on Tuesday, then on Friday wanted to know what I was doing over the weekend. I remember one night, we had a great time together and had great sex. Then he started a fight over nothing the next morning.”

When people get too close, people with BPs feel engulfed. In turn, they distance themselves to avoid feeling controlled. But then BPs feel neglected, even abandoned. So they try to get closer again, and the cycle repeats.

5. The “Testing” Fight

Before I recovered from BPD I would tell people, “I’m just testing you to see how much you love me.” I knew that I couldn’t start with a full-blown BP rage. So I started softly and slowly. With each test I set forth and the person passed, I upped the ante and said, “If you loved me, you would do this or that.” People usually accepted the most outrageous and inappropriate behavior to maintain the relationship.

You might think that once the non-BP passes the tests, their borderline family member would feel more secure. But that doesn’t happen. Instead, people with BPD think, “Why would a healthy, normal person take the abuse? There must be something wrong with them.”

So here are my MERRY CHRISTMAS TIPS for YOU....

Why BPD relationships are so complicated

If you care about someone with borderline personality disorder, keep these four facts in mind:

1. To Help Your Family Member, You Must Help Yourself First
   Your physical and emotional health, and the health of your relationship, partly depends upon your willingness to look after your own needs, such as taking time away, setting limits with love, and having a hearty life of your own separate from your borderline family member.
2. You Can Improve Your Life Even If Your Family Member Doesn’t Change
   Right now, you probably feel trapped, confused, and powerless. But it doesn’t have to be this way—at least to the extent it is right now. It may seem hard to imagine, but the tools and techniques described in this web site and in The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells that will enable you to feel better and more in control of your life regardless of what your loved one does or doesn’t do.
3. It Takes Only One Person to Fundamentally Change a Relationship
   It takes two to have a relationship. But each person is in charge of 50 percent. Right now, you may think that your family member has power over you and can “make” you do and feel things you don’t want to do and feel. This is false. When you take more control of your own reactions and make decisions true to yourself, the dynamic of your relationship will change.
4. Most Borderline Behavior Isn’t Deliberate
   Without education about BPD, family members take their family member’s behavior personally—especially if the BP is of the higher-functioning invisible type. This leads to much unnecessary suffering, because BPD behavior isn’t willful. Think of it this way: Why would anyone choose to be in situations that make them angry, unhappy, or otherwise in distress?

Have a wonderful Christmas

Savannah

xoxo

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Listen to Understand, Not to be understood

 

 

One of the greatest gifts we can give another human being is our unconditional presence. To do this well, we must be able to be receptive, without judgment or expectation, to put aside our own needs and concerns and be genuinely available in a warm, heartfelt manner.

 

Yet we live in a culture that teaches and rewards us for being exactly the opposite: reactive, proactive, independent, assertive and opinionated. As a result, many people equate listening with passivity and weakness.

We also live in a multi-sensory commercialized media world that invites us to be distracted from intimate connection with others. It's wonderful that communication today can be lightning fast, yet email or instant messaging is a poor substitute for live, unconditional human presence. So how can we learn to be fully present with and for each other?

 

We can do this by empathic listening. When we listen emphatic, we are fully available and present for the other. We have no preconceived notions about what's going on with them. We are not busy rehearsing our rebuttal to what they are saying, just waiting for a moment to break in and interrupt. We do not care if we are right and they are wrong. We have no need to defend ourselves or to prove ourselves brilliant, insightful or witty. We do have a burning desire to understand what the essence of this person is all about in this moment. We are pure awareness, soaking in the words but going far beyond the words and fully resonating with the other energetically.

 

Is this true for you?

 

At a workshop last year a couple had been struggling with communication issues.

"I know how to listen," the man started defensively, obviously impatient and angry with his lover. "The problem is she never hears me. She's always telling me how wrong I am."

The woman said nothing, her face blank and expressionless.

"What do you think is going on for her, what do you think it's like to be living with you in this relationship?" I asked.

 "I don't know, I guess she's...well who knows, she's always angry at me because of what happened to her as a child. She thinks everything is my fault. She blames me for everything."

"Yes but what is it like to be her right now? What does it feel like inside her skin?"

"I already told you," he said, annoyed, his anger rising, "she's always in a bad mood, always mad at me, always blaming me."

 

We then invited the man to listen in a different way. We had the couple sit together, facing one another, looking each other in the eye, and asked them not to speak but rather to breathe in synchrony with one another.

After just a few minutes, the rhythm of their breaths gradually harmonized. Their faces softened.

"Now let's find out what's really going on for her right now,” I said.

She looked up tentatively, afraid to speak, afraid of his reaction. "Can you tell him, from the deepest place within yourself, what's going on for you right now in this relationship?"

She nodded silently, letting the words form within. "I...I...well I'm just so sad, sad and hopeless. And I guess scared, too."

 

She stopped, waiting for the anger which was certain to come. But instead of anger, he continued to breathe with her. He nodded and looked at her in a way that let her know that he got it, he understood in a way she had never felt before.

Her face brightened, with the frail edges of hope arising at the corners of her eyes. She continued, "I love you so much and yet...and yet we're so ugly with each other at times that it scares me."

This time he put his arms around her, they hugged tenderly, and both began sobbing. No more words were spoken, yet these few sentences uttered with unconditional presence proved to be the beginning of a healthier, more loving relationship.

Months later they both pointed to this simple, brief interaction as the pivotal moment that their relationship began to improve.

The practice of empathic listening is also illustrated by the story of the famous professor who visited the Zen monk, supposedly to learn of his teachings. As the professor rattled on discussing his philosophies, the monk asked if he would like some tea. The professor nodded, barely pausing in his dissertation of his latest theory. The monk filled up the professor's teacup, and kept right on pouring after the cup was full. The tea overflowed the cup and went all over the floor, yet the monk kept right on pouring. "What are doing?" yelled the professor. "Can you not see the cup is full?" "Yes I can," said the monk, smiling. "This cup is like your mind, so full of your own ideas that there is no room in it to really hear anything I or anyone else might have to teach you."'

Keep your cup open, especially with those closest to you. As Stephen Covey puts it,

 "….seek to understand before being understood."

This is great advice. Give those in your life the precious gift of your unconditional presence. By doing so, you create an opportunity to journey to a greater depth of intimacy and connection than was ever possible before.

Cheers to Your Love & Happiness,

Savannah Ellis

DBA MBA MHSc

Founder - Infidelity Recovery Institute

DID YOU KNOW.... Dec 10 we start our Reboot your Relationship Classes using Google Hangout. Dr Joe Whitcomb & Dr Savannah Ellis will inspire your relationship, with weekly Lessons & Changes to your relationship ritual. Better than just reading a book, and less expensive than couple therapy. 

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This One Simple Communication Skill Could Save Your Relationship

I attended a week-long silent retreat recently and learned a wonderful mindfulness communication skill that could benefit all couples.

What I just love about this technique is the simplicity of the process.

Wherever you are in your relationship, whether you’re at the beginning and experiencing romantic love, or perhaps you’ve been together a long time and the intimacy and lust has faded, this FREE simple technique can help you start to connect deeply with yourself and your partner.

Here are the steps:

Preparation

Firstly, sit opposite your partner so you are looking each other directly in the eyes. (It doesn’t have to be done with your partner. You can also use this with a friend, family member or work colleague.)
Maintain eye contact as you speak.
You can both do this at the same time, but choose one person to speak and one person to listen.
The person listening will not respond while the other is speaking. But the listener will continue to track their own thoughts, feelings and sensations as they also pause, relax and open to the other.

1. Pause

Stop everything and pause. Just literally tell yourself ‘pause’ in this exact moment. Don’t do or think or say anything else.

2. Relax

Relax into your body. Feel yourself letting go and dropping down into yourself. Feel the pleasure of releasing.

3. Open

Open your heart to the other. Feel your spine that holds you up and allows you to open to receive. Feel yourself spreading across your chest as you open.

4. Listen Deeply

Listen into the depths of your being. Listen to your heart. Be open to listening to your thoughts, feelings and sensations. Be open to all information.

5. Speak Your Truth

Now speak your truth. Support your voice in sharing what you heard deep within yourself. Feel the fear and say it anyway. Take a risk. Hold onto yourself as you speak up to be heard.
Once you have said everything you need to say, then change roles and have your partner go through the same process as you listen.

What do you think of this technique? Try it with someone you care about and share your comments below.