I
was motivated to write you this week about Borderline Personalities.
The reason being is that I have had 3 clients struggling with both
current and x-partners, who have the disorder. Why are they struggling?
Because dealing daily with a spouse who has BPD can be damaging to your
own mental health.
NOTE: The current DSM-5 has a new classification for Personality Disorders.
Five Familiar “Fights” (Relationship Behavioral Patterns)
Having a borderline loved one means having that “it’s déjà vu all
over again” feeling much of the time. You may feel get stuck in these
five familiar behavioral patterns, or “fights,” with no clue about
what’s happening, how you got there, or how to get out.
1. The “It’s Your Fault” Fight
“Once my BP girlfriend snapped at me for looking through some DVDs the wrong way. I asked her in a very even tone of voice, “What are you getting upset about?” For the rest of the day she sulked and gave me the silent treatment.”
For BPs to admit to themselves or others that anything about them is
less than perfect would be admitting that they are defective.
2. The “Heads I Win, Tails You Lose” Fight
“My mother is the master of double-binds. When I call her as soon as I get home at the end of my day, she is short and rude because she is in the middle of something. But if I wait until later in the evening to call, she says in an accusatory way, “You’ve been home for how long? And you didn’t call me?”
You know you’re in a no-win scenario when you’re damned if you do and
damned if you don’t. People with BPD are consistently inconsistent.
3. The “Projection” Fight
“There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s something wrong with you!
People often try to avoid feeling bad about their own unpleasant
traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them (often in an accusing
way) to someone else. This is a common defense mechanism called projection. people with BPD take it to the extreme.
4. The “I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me” Fight
I am totally confused. My BP boyfriend broke up with me on Tuesday, then on Friday wanted to know what I was doing over the weekend. I remember one night, we had a great time together and had great sex. Then he started a fight over nothing the next morning.”
When people get too close, people with BPs feel engulfed. In turn,
they distance themselves to avoid feeling controlled. But then BPs feel
neglected, even abandoned. So they try to get closer again, and the
cycle repeats.
5. The “Testing” Fight
Before I recovered from BPD I would tell people, “I’m just testing you to see how much you love me.” I knew that I couldn’t start with a full-blown BP rage. So I started softly and slowly. With each test I set forth and the person passed, I upped the ante and said, “If you loved me, you would do this or that.” People usually accepted the most outrageous and inappropriate behavior to maintain the relationship.
You might think that once the non-BP passes the tests, their
borderline family member would feel more secure. But that doesn’t
happen. Instead, people with BPD think, “Why would a healthy, normal
person take the abuse? There must be something wrong with them.”
So here are my MERRY CHRISTMAS TIPS for YOU....
Why BPD relationships are so complicated
If you care about someone with borderline personality disorder, keep these four facts in mind:
- To Help Your Family Member, You Must Help Yourself First
Your physical and emotional health, and the health of your relationship, partly depends upon your willingness to look after your own needs, such as taking time away, setting limits with love, and having a hearty life of your own separate from your borderline family member. - You Can Improve Your Life Even If Your Family Member Doesn’t Change
Right now, you probably feel trapped, confused, and powerless. But it doesn’t have to be this way—at least to the extent it is right now. It may seem hard to imagine, but the tools and techniques described in this web site and in The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells that will enable you to feel better and more in control of your life regardless of what your loved one does or doesn’t do. - It Takes Only One Person to Fundamentally Change a Relationship
It takes two to have a relationship. But each person is in charge of 50 percent. Right now, you may think that your family member has power over you and can “make” you do and feel things you don’t want to do and feel. This is false. When you take more control of your own reactions and make decisions true to yourself, the dynamic of your relationship will change. - Most Borderline Behavior Isn’t Deliberate
Without education about BPD, family members take their family member’s behavior personally—especially if the BP is of the higher-functioning invisible type. This leads to much unnecessary suffering, because BPD behavior isn’t willful. Think of it this way: Why would anyone choose to be in situations that make them angry, unhappy, or otherwise in distress?
Have a wonderful Christmas
Savannah
xoxo
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