One of the
greatest gifts we can give another human being is our unconditional presence.
To do this well, we must be able to be receptive, without judgment or
expectation, to put aside our own needs and concerns and be genuinely available
in a warm, heartfelt manner.
Yet we live in a
culture that teaches and rewards us for being exactly the opposite: reactive,
proactive, independent, assertive and opinionated. As a result, many people
equate listening with passivity and weakness.
We also live in
a multi-sensory commercialized media world that invites us to be distracted
from intimate connection with others. It's wonderful that communication today
can be lightning fast, yet email or instant messaging is a poor substitute for
live, unconditional human presence. So how can we learn to be fully present
with and for each other?
We can do this
by empathic listening. When we listen emphatic, we are fully available and
present for the other. We have no preconceived notions about what's going on
with them. We are not busy rehearsing our rebuttal to what they are saying,
just waiting for a moment to break in and interrupt. We do not care if we are
right and they are wrong. We have no need to defend ourselves or to prove
ourselves brilliant, insightful or witty. We do have a burning desire to
understand what the essence of this person is all about in this moment. We are
pure awareness, soaking in the words but going far beyond the words and fully
resonating with the other energetically.
Is this true for
you?
At a workshop
last year a couple had been struggling with communication issues.
"I know how
to listen," the man started defensively, obviously impatient and angry
with his lover. "The problem is she never hears me. She's always telling
me how wrong I am."
The woman said
nothing, her face blank and expressionless.
"What do
you think is going on for her, what do you think it's like to be living with
you in this relationship?" I asked.
"I don't know, I guess she's...well who
knows, she's always angry at me because of what happened to her as a child. She
thinks everything is my fault. She blames me for everything."
"Yes but
what is it like to be her right now? What does it feel like inside her
skin?"
"I already
told you," he said, annoyed, his anger rising, "she's always in a bad
mood, always mad at me, always blaming me."
We then invited
the man to listen in a different way. We had the couple sit together, facing
one another, looking each other in the eye, and asked them not to speak but
rather to breathe in synchrony with one another.
After just a few
minutes, the rhythm of their breaths gradually harmonized. Their faces
softened.
"Now let's
find out what's really going on for her right now,” I said.
She looked up
tentatively, afraid to speak, afraid of his reaction. "Can you tell him,
from the deepest place within yourself, what's going on for you right now in
this relationship?"
She nodded
silently, letting the words form within. "I...I...well I'm just so sad,
sad and hopeless. And I guess scared, too."
She stopped,
waiting for the anger which was certain to come. But instead of anger, he
continued to breathe with her. He nodded and looked at her in a way that let
her know that he got it, he understood in a way she had never felt before.
Her face
brightened, with the frail edges of hope arising at the corners of her eyes.
She continued, "I love you so much and yet...and yet we're so ugly with
each other at times that it scares me."
This time he put
his arms around her, they hugged tenderly, and both began sobbing. No more
words were spoken, yet these few sentences uttered with unconditional presence
proved to be the beginning of a healthier, more loving relationship.
Months later
they both pointed to this simple, brief interaction as the pivotal moment that
their relationship began to improve.
The practice of
empathic listening is also illustrated by the story of the famous professor who
visited the Zen monk, supposedly to learn of his teachings. As the professor
rattled on discussing his philosophies, the monk asked if he would like some
tea. The professor nodded, barely pausing in his dissertation of his latest
theory. The monk filled up the professor's teacup, and kept right on pouring
after the cup was full. The tea overflowed the cup and went all over the floor,
yet the monk kept right on pouring. "What are doing?" yelled the
professor. "Can you not see the cup is full?" "Yes I can,"
said the monk, smiling. "This cup is like your mind, so full of your own
ideas that there is no room in it to really hear anything I or anyone else
might have to teach you."'
Keep your cup
open, especially with those closest to you. As Stephen Covey puts it,
"….seek to understand before being
understood."
This is great
advice. Give those in your life the precious gift of your unconditional
presence. By doing so, you create an opportunity to journey to a greater depth
of intimacy and connection than was ever possible before.
Cheers to Your Love & Happiness,
Savannah Ellis
DBA MBA MHSc
DID YOU KNOW....
Dec 10 we start our Reboot your Relationship Classes using Google
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Book now...CLICK HERE.
Bonus: Free copy of Savannah & Joe's new book "Reboot your
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