People often come into couples counseling expecting the counselor to have a magic pill that will take away the pain of the affair. Others believe marriage counseling is enough to "fix" the relationship. Counseling services for either an individual or a couple will take time to work through the pain and start to repair themselves and their relationship - if at all possible.

Although there is no steadfast rule for determining how quickly or slowly a couple will recover from an affair, experts agree that full healing can take place in two years, with some couples taking longer and others recovering sooner. The length of time it takes is directly related to what happens immediately after the affair is discovered.

In other words....if you take the advice of the coach!

Trauma – Discovery to 6 months: 
During this phase, the betrayed partner will be in shock and experience significant emotional trauma as a result of finding out about the affair. People feel angry, vengeful, and hopeless. This phase is often a roller coaster of emotions, ranging from loss and grief, to rage and frustration, and can be accompanied by bouts of tears. Both the perpetrator and the betrayed cannot think clearly during this phase, and both may experience physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, weight or concentration.

Issues Clarification – 
3 to 6 months. It is during this time that couples begin to examine what led to the affair. Although there is still a great deal of emotional instability, partners want to understand why the affair happened. The sooner couples can begin this process, the sooner they can reap the rewards of closure. Enlisting the help of a divorce recovery therapist is vital during this extremely psychologically stressful time.

Addressing the Problem – 
6 months to 1 year. This is when the real work begins. As the emotions become more manageable, spouses can tackle the difficult task of working on the issues that led to the affair. There will be highs and lows, as guilt and anger become mixed with longing for the relationship, but couples who persevere through this phase will be able to finally address the issues that are at the root of much of their discontent.

With the roughest patches in the past, this is a time to a couple can embrace the new relationship they have created. Hopefully, by working with a therapist, couples will have stronger, more genuine bonds. Trust may still be difficult for the betrayed partner, and each will have difficult days accepting that the previous life they knew has been changed forever. There will be days where both partners still struggle to understand why the affair happened. But by practicing techniques learned in therapy, couples can continue to develop an open, honest and new relationship, free of the encumbrances of the affair.

NOTE - that couples who do NOT come into coaching and try do it themselves, have a higher failure rate. When they do decide to come into coaching it is often too late, as by then the love and respect has turnt into disgust and resentment.